So today has been kind of a rough day for me and I’m struggling..

Almost two years ago, I was told that IVF would be our only chance at having another child. Back then, I thought I could handle that news. My life was heavy, my kids needed so much from me, and I was still learning how to be steady in my own skin. But time has a way of reshaping you, and now I’m a different woman than I was then. I’ve learned how to be a healthier mom, a God-centered woman, and someone my children can look up to.

With that growth came a longing — not just in me, but in my fiancé and even in my children. A longing for another little soul. Another heartbeat in the house. Another chapter we hoped God would write for us.

In the span of three years, I’ve lost four babies. And the pain doesn’t soften; it settles. It shifts. Some days it feels like I’m mourning not only the little ones I never got to hold, but also the dream of carrying life again at all. It’s a grief that loops — quiet one day, heavy the next. Sometimes it makes me feel like a broken woman, like something in me failed… even though I know better. Even though I know God never wastes suffering.

The hardest part isn’t the statistics or the medical facts — it’s facing them while still holding faith. Because I do believe in a God who answers prayers. I’ve watched Him answer every single one of mine… just never on the timeline I imagined. So I keep reminding myself: His “wait” isn’t the same as “no.” His silence isn’t abandonment. His timing has always been perfect, even when it hurt first and healed later.

So here I am, trying to live in that tension — the ache of longing and the hope of faith. Trusting that whatever God chooses to do with my story, He will turn it into something beautiful, something purposeful, something blessed. Even when my heart feels tender. Even when my arms feel empty. Even when I don’t understand.

And maybe that’s what faith really is… holding on to Him even when your hands feel full of loss.

XOXO,

The Healing Wildflower