Psalm 27: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” This means many have had the sad experience of being forsaken by their father or mother. This can happen because of broken homes, differences of belief, or addictions to drugs or alcohol. Other factors can also contribute to this even if our experience is mainly one of psychological isolation. This abandonment often leaves children with emotional scars, and the pain may linger long into adulthood. However, God can take the place in our lives of anyone who has abandoned us. He can fill the void they left and heal the hurt they caused. He can direct us to those who may take the role of father or mother for us. His love is sufficient to meet all our needs.

When I sit with this question, it hits me in places I’ve kept quiet for a long time. There’s a big part of me that still feels unprotected. It’s not just in one area of life, but in layers. Deep, old layers.

If I’m being honest, I rarely feel protected in my own body. Around my father. Around my fiancé. Around strangers out in public. Even typing that feels like revealing something I’ve never actually said out loud. When I’m alone in public, I distance myself from men who are alone. My body moves away instinctively before my mind even catches up.

It makes sense, though. I’ve never truly been capable of protecting myself. I couldn’t protect myself from sexual abuse. I couldn’t shield myself from physical or emotional hurt. I couldn’t even defend myself against childhood bullying. And now, here I am in my thirties. I am finally finding a voice. I am finally learning to speak up. But my mind still slips back into fear. Deep down, I still don’t believe I would be capable of protecting myself if something ever happened again.

So if I’m answering this question honestly… I don’t feel protected in my romantic relationship. I don’t feel protected in my family relationships. It isn’t because of something specific they’re doing. It’s because my nervous system has lived inside survival mode for so long. “Unsafe” is all it knows. In my relationship, I struggle when I’m not in control. I struggle when I can’t predict what’s coming next. I also struggle when affection comes without warning. Uninvited touch makes my body tense and my spirit curl inward. I don’t fully understand the “why” yet. We’re exploring that in EMDR, one gentle step at a time.

So… wish me luck. Healing these old, tender places feels like learning to trust again. It means trusting in God, in others, and in my own body. And maybe this is the first time in my life. I’m finally choosing to believe that protection is something I deserve.

XOXO,

The Healing Wildflower