What does “Healthy Me” Want My Life to Look Like?

For the second part of my homework, I’m supposed to write about what “healthy me” wants my life to look like right now. So… here it is, straight from the version of me that’s trying so hard to grow, heal, and shed all the old layers.

Healthy me looks at my life and sees a lot of good already taking shape. I’m staying on my medication. I’m showing up to therapy. I’m choosing healing even when it feels messy. But healthy me also wants more — not in a greedy way, just in a finally choosing myself kind of way.

Healthy me wants my relationship to feel like an actual relationship, not like two roommates passing each other in the hallway of life. I want to stop resenting my fiancé for things that other men did to me. I want to enjoy his affection — the kisses, the touch, the closeness — without that automatic wave of anger, fear, or confusion crashing in. I want him to be able to reach for me without me shutting down inside.

Healthy me wants the love I know I have for him in my heart to finally be something my mind can experience too. And God… that’s harder than I admit most days. Healthy me also wants to be rooted in church again — not just spiritually, but in community, in worship, in that weekly reminder that I’m held by something bigger than my trauma. I want to stand firm with my parents and say, with confidence, that I’m not raising my kids Catholic, and that this is my family, my faith walk, and my decision.

Most of all, healthy me wants to stop feeling controlled by everyone around me. I’m in my thirties. I’m done living like I’m still a child waiting for permission. I want to live my life for me — for the woman I’m becoming, not the girl who survived.

I guess this is my way of saying I’m ready. Ready to choose the healthier version of myself, even when it feels terrifying. Ready to break old cycles. Ready to love without fear. Ready to finally be free.

XOXO,

The Healing Wildflower